It was simultaneously the best and worst feedback I ever received.

I was in my late 20’s and was offered a job interview by a friend from church. Suffice it to say his coworkers who interviewed me were not impressed.

I was rising through the ranks in my corporate job, but like lots of 20-somethings, I wanted it to be faster. When a friend from church offered me a job interview at his growing company I jumped at the chance. My wife and I were flown from Kansas City to a large east coast city and I spent a day being interviewed – five meetings, some group and some one-on-one. At the end of the day, my friend delivered the results. The first words out of his mouth were a surprise of epic proportions, “When people meet you, they don’t like you.” This wasn’t the sentiment from one or two of the meetings, but from all five. I was shocked. I thought I was a nice guy. Most people seemed to like me. But the biggest question at this point was, “What do I do with this feedback?”

The natural reaction is to deny, “That’s not true” or defend, “They don’t really know me.” But this particular time in my life, I treated this feedback like a diagnosis from the doctor. I got some second opinions. As it turned out, several of my friends didn’t like me when they first met me and originally thought I was cold, distant, and aloof. I also found out that my normal resting expression looked like I was angry. Several of my wife’s friends asked her if I was mean.

The initial feedback from the job interview and the follow-up feedback turned into a prescription for a lifelong (approaching 40 years) project. I’ve learned how to meet strangers and ask them good questions so I can get to know them. I learn names, jobs, hobbies, and family details so I can ask about them when our paths cross again. I’m very cognizant of my expression and make an effort to look engaged instead of “angry” when I sit in a meeting. This has not been an effort in “faking it.” Instead, it’s been an exercise in growth. Learning skills that put me in a position to do what’s really important to me – being a resource for business leaders who are working hard to build the organization they’ve always dreamed of building – because chances are, they’ll never work with someone who seems aloof or angry.

So why did this story make it into one of my monthly posts? I hope it’s a challenge on a couple of fronts. First, Blind spots are real but you and I don’t see them. That’s why they’re called blind spots. My off-putting demeanor was known by my friends but they never shared it until I asked. Second, lifelong learning is mandatory. I was blissfully ignorant of my shortcomings in people skills. But when they became apparent, the motivation to change appeared immediately. I wanted to be effective in my family life, work life, and church life. This behavior was standing in the way. It had to go. It’s good to grow and change to accomplish something that’s important to you.

The takeaway is probably apparent, but here it is anyway. Ask yourself, “Is there something I’m doing, maybe unknowingly, that’s standing between where I am now and where it want to be personally and professionally?” Find someone who’s willing to give you some unfiltered feedback. When you get the feedback, “chew the fish, spit out the bones,” and take the corrective action.”